... the suitcase chronicles ...

A very long breath...

I am very sorry I have not updated this weblog for ages; and the following may be excuses for not doing so, but are not exactly the main reasons for my absence:

I have been very busy with degree show work, putting my independent study together, attending interviews, organising my personal documents and writing important letters to people who might be able to give me the help I need; as well as trying to keep my health, both physical and mental, in check.

It's not a writer's block, which one may be able to diagnose had he or she been keeping track of my posts for the past seven months since this blog was launched. It's just that since my visit to Aberystwyth, I have tried to put together a post that is good enough for its worth.

Today, I am going to take a long, deep breath and close my eyes; and try to picture my father without looking at his photograph. Would I be able to remember how he looks like without referring to his picture? Would I be able to recall the sound of his voice without having to put on the mp3 file which I created from an audio piece extracted from a family video taken ten years ago?

Hopefully.

Tears can never bring him back, I know, but he will always be in my heart. He's the reason I'm here now. Despite the pain I am going through missing him, dreading the fact that I might have to leave Cardiff - a place I have grown to love, fearing that I might have to end up working at a place that I might not like; I am still happy that he would appear sometimes in my dreams - though most of the time, I wake up and cry from them.

When I went to Aberystwyth, the place where my father studied when he was about my age, I took a deep breath everywhere I walked past. Walking down a park that led to the School of Art, I wondered if he had walked that same lane. When I walked past a cemetary, at a time I had gotten lost, I thought about how seldom I had an opportunity to visit his place of rest. When I wandered through the town, I asked myself which of the shops he would have liked to visit then, or which ones existed during his time. 

And finally, when I went to the beach, I smiled and said to myself "I am breathing the same air he did more than 20 years ago".

He was the most ambitious person I knew. My aunt told me that when he was three years old, he wrapped a hand towel around his neck, and dragged a wheeled suitcase behind him saying "when I grow up, I'm going to be someone big, and see the world".

And you know what? He did just that.

He was a mathematical genius. And was also the most patient person I had ever come across. He had only scolded me twice. Ever. When it was my fault. He never thought it was a burden to help give someone a lift home or pick them up; even if they were two hours away. He was a great guy.

I know it has been 4 years since he left, but I still cannot let go. Every birthday I attend, every Eid celebration, I despise because I have always taken advantage of those events when he was around. I hate how I was back then. So spoilt. So unappreciative over what I had. I hate how I had been moody during those times because I thought about the logic side of things, how I thought those days did not matter because they were just a waste of time, effort and money; but he was just trying to make me happy, trying to spend time with the family.

I especially hated that day when I turned 17; after my exam, when I shouted at people because I couldn't be bothered to blow the candles on the cheap $12 cake. And then one week later he fell ill... and the next month we couldn't celebrate Farah's 10th birthday because he was in hospital... and the week later, when it was Luqman's 9th birthday, we couldn't celebrate it either because our father died the day before. And obviously we couldn't really have him around for Zahidah's 5th birthday, 3 months later, either.

Stupid. I was just stupid. I was the only one among my siblings who had the chance to have a decent birthday and I blew it. Ask me why I hate celebrating my own birthday and everything in the above paragraph is my reason. I am a very nostalgic person.

Anyway, I had gotten myself carried away. This post was not meant for me. But for him.

I miss you, Bapa. You would be 48 now if you were still around.
And I know tears will never bring you back. But just so you know, I will never forgive myself for being so mean to you that day.

But please forgive me.

So so sorry for the lack of updates. It's assessment season, yes yes I know that's not an excuse but I've just been preoccupied lately with work, personal and financial matters - it's just difficult to find a time for me to just relax ad unwind. Oh well, I am going to Aberystwyth tomorrow... I do hope that would help.

But just to fill some of the intangible blank posts that have appeared between this post and the last one, I will first introduce you to Part III of my Red Tape Project, which was done on Thursday, 24th April... in which I was tied up with ribbons... I had intended to be completely covered with these rich red velvet strips, but unfortunately, I did not cut enough ribbons for the show. Well, it was an experiment anyway, so I had to make do with what I had at the time. The idea was to try to move outside the sheet of paper that I was on.... And that was very difficult... very, very difficult.

Here is a collection of photographs for the piece, click on the image to look at more photographs:

I went to Bristol yesterday for the arranged visit to the History of Art Department in the University of Bristol. It was a shame the train was so slow and I ended up being about 45 minutes late; I could have talked to the Lecturer (I will not disclose her name) much longer, because I quite enjoyed listening to what she had to say about the course, about what it teaches, etc. The building used to be a Baptist seminary, beautiful architecture; stained glass windows, dark wood panels and staircases with elaborate carvings; and they have a sitting room where there is a mini library, computers and desks; and there is a common room where they place all the students' dissertations free for the students to read.  And the prospects sound very interesting... Plus I also had a look at the campus facilities; the main library, the gym, the postgraduate common building... studying in Bristol seems promising... Well, of course, I can't make any conclusions yet- I'll still need to visit the other two universities that I've applied to before I can make a decision about where I want to go.

And that all depends on my degree result as well.

The lecturer said that I MUST get a 2:1.... She made it sound as if it's so easy.
*sigh*

After the tour, I took a bus to the city centre and then made my way to the Arnolfini. I didn't seem to like Torsten Lauschmann's work though, well, some of it was interesting; I liked 'Pandora's Ball', which was a combination of two images, one moving image of a woman's legs dancing... and another, a still image of a ball. And the moving image is modified, or moved again to make it look as if the woman is dancing on the ball. Pretty good actually.

I liked Saskia Holmkvist's film 'in character'. there are three actors: two interviewers and one interviewee. At first there is a typical job interview, where the interviewee is asked questions like what was her strength and weakness and how she deals with stress. Then somehow, the conversation is manipulated and transformed into some kind of interrogation, where the interviewee is forced to admit that she has been guilty of embezzlement.

Anyway, apart from the wonderful tour experience, I felt rather under the weather yesterday. It wasn't a very bright day, as is apparent from the above photographs, but I don't think it's really because of the climate. There's just so much I have to do in such a little amount of time. Oh well... I am in the Final year of Uni.

Welcome to reality, Jannah.

Last Tuesday, I made an appointment for tutorial with lecturers Simon Pope and Dave Shepherd and told them about the work that I did in Nottingham last week. I also told them I was much more comfortable making work with red tape compared with building a human-sized cage and doing a performance inside it. They seemed to think that making this kind of work with red tape was also a good idea, so I went ahead and made another performance, durational, in the installation room yesterday.

Prior to making this performance, I have done a lot of thinking about the concept of a contract, and how a signature can bind the individual to a piece of paper. I recalled some of the things people talked about concerning the contract and how it affects them in conversations with me, and used these memories to inspire me to write on the piece of paper that was taped onto the wall in the installation room, while I bind myself after every time I write on that paper.

Most of the time I write my name, or different versions of my name (since my full name is very long), whereas for fewer incidents I write the stuff out of memory from the many conversations I have had with people, as I mentioned above. For example, when I wrote down B$150,000, that was from a conversation I had with someone from Brunei, regarding his yearly salary; or when I wrote down "3 years in the UK = 5 years teaching unwilling brats!" ; was from another conversation with someone, who obviously doesn't like teaching. Of course, I will not name names here but you know what, to their relief, anyway, I don't think I can pinpoint who said what- because some of those conversations were years ago.

The objective of this work was to reveal what people felt about a contract, and how it restricts the individual from performing certain tasks. I was very happy this performance turned out, in my opinion, quite successful, but disappointed that only two people turned up for the show - I needed more opinions from the audience because I am still rather confused over what I would like to do for my degree show, which is due very very soon.

Anyway, here is a collection of pictures from the performance if you are interested (just double-click the image to look at over 300 photos of this performance):

 

Just in case you are around and available and would like to come an watch a piece of artwork made by me, do feel free to come to my campus at Howard Gardens. Although, you might need to bring a UWIC student card with you to enter the main entrance.

*cringe*
I'm still on holiday mode... yargh!

Time can fly ever so fast...

The day after our visit to Leicester we went to Loughborough, a town where my mother used to study. The one reason why I wanted to go there was to take a photo of the house my mum lived in when she was there; and we noticed a few interesting things along the way... Oooh... and Jay bought me a new sheepie there! My dear Lojbaroj, welcome to the family!

The next day, we just took a walk around town; had breakfast, or should I say lunch, at the Pretty Orchid again. I pretty much ordered the same thing as last time, with the addition of a Chin Chow drink to accompany my dine-in. Dee-lish! When we went back to Mel's place, we intended to go to the cinema to watch a movie from our list, but then, after our huge dinner, we decided we were too tired to go out, so we just hung out in Mel's room instead, playing the guitar.... After all, it was our last official night in Nottingham for this trip...

And then yesterday, Jay and I left Nottingham. It was strange because we felt like we've been in Nottingham for a long time, though it only had been a week. Ah well, I suppose it's the company that makes you feel like home, isn't it? Hehe... plus I really like being around people who appreciate what you cook for them; especially those who don't mind the 'oh-so-very-spicy' capsicum that I occasionally add to the dish. Plus, it really has been a good visit... And there were plenty of things we did that I thought were fun, though they are little things... But sometimes, it's the little things that really matter, don't you think?

And that was that, we left Nottingham at 12.02 on the train, and returned to our grey-skied home, Cardiff at around half-past three.

I wouldn't say much for this post but basically, I went to Leicester today... no wait, yesterday, since it is now 2.40am, 8th April. I just want to offload some pictures. It was a day trip by train from Nottingham and we spent a few good hours there after having lunch at Nandos *smile*

So I went ahead with the project as planned. The journey started in Mel's bedroom to our designated destination, Wagamama, Corner House, Nottingham. As Jay, Mel and I walked towards the bus stop, I noticed two familiar figures in the distance. I looked again and I realised who they both were, and since I had no idea how they would react, I just hid behind Jay as we stopped to greet each other.

Rusydiah and Hanna looked surprised to see me... well, they were happy, but shocked to see the big red piece of tape on my lips. Hanna asked "what happened to your..?" and of course I couldn't answer - so Jay answered her for me. Needless to say, we didn't manage to capture all of that on camera. Guess I ruined everything for being so shy! Hehe...

Ah well...

So I went on the bus; yes, people were staring, but only for a few seconds, except for this little girl who kept glancing backward just because. Getting off the bus captured attention too, as well as walking through Broad Marsh Shopping Centre, where we were told off by a security guard.

Walking down town was interesting, though. I noticed people stopping their conversation halfway, staring or just laughing. Nobody came up to me to say anything though. Then we reached Wagamama just in time for lunch... *smile*

For lunch I had my good ol' favourite, Amai Udon. Fried Japanese thick rice noodles with tamarind sauce, prawns, vegetables and crushed peanuts. Mmm mmm... And miso soup!

Afterwards we just spent most of the time exploring the city; and then ended up watching a silent film called Dans Las Nuit, at Broadway Cinema, which kind of reminds me of Chapter Arts Centre in Cardiff. Oh need I tell you there was a large number of people wearing Cardiff sports jerseys yesterday- there must've been some kind of tournament here; or maybe they just miss me! Oh and I got myself two new items from Primark... hehehe