The Suitcase Chronicles

I've been spending most of the week with Jay's family... earlier in the week we went shopping; for food and clothes, then on Friday, we went swimming at the Cardiff International Pool (complete with four giant slides, rapids and a jacuzzi) and then yesterday, after shopping in Newport, we went to a family gathering barbeque at one of Jay's uncle's house. The uncle is getting married soon, so the barbeque was held as some sort of pre-wedding event.

I had an amazing time; they kept the dog away from me and I was able to grill my own chicken for the barbeque so getting around and enjoying the meal wasn't a problem. The whole afternoon was filled with laughter and merriment, but it did make me wonder why I hadn't always had much fun during barbeque events... not with my own family anyway.

Sometimes I think to myself why I had always been the one subject to the demands of the more elder members of the family; it was always me who had to be distributing things, ushering guests, setting the tables, washing the dishes; while some of my other cousins were able to relax and not have to stain their beautiful baju kurungs. True that I may not be the only one doing the work, but at least the cousins who were helping out at the event weren't being picked on all the time. My relatives never seem to let go the fact that I am fat; and they can never seem to accept that I like my course, and that I intend to pursue my studies further no matter what the cost. Because of these occurences happening ever so frequently whenever there is a family event on my part, I can never fully enjoy a barbeque, birthday party or even a wedding, 100%.

So when I was spending yesterday afternoon laughing, I wondered whether there were others who might experience the same things that I do during family events, or if  I was just unlucky to be born into a family that doesn't want me to be happy (maybe they just had a funny way of showing their love for me)...

Sometimes I wonder... whether it would be better for me to substitute my friends with my family... Because my friends seem to know me a lot better... and wouldn't try to offend me all the time.

Maybe my family is just trying to kick me out.

In case you haven't noticed, I have temporarily shut down my Facebook account. Sometimes, I feel guilty about rejecting potential friends; but I feel guiltier that I have this temptation to delete those whom I rarely ever converse with. I'm not a fan of people who want to add me just because they want something from me. Plus, the possibility that my aunts, uncles and former students could be stalking me isn't something I'd like to ponder about all the time.

Moreover, the great Facebook account has also succeeded tremendously in distracting me from what I should be doing: my dissertation. So I decided that I shouldn't burden myself any longer, and just close my account for the time being. Besides, if people really did need to reach me, they could always email me, and if they really do care about what's going on in my life, they could always read this blog.

I realised that I haven't put up a post on the 2009 CSAD Summer Exhibition in Cardiff, which I attended about eleven days ago. The show was pretty good, really... except, I haven't kept up with their work for the past academic year so I feel that I am in no position to provide an extensive critique over the pieces that were presented. I missed the first half hour of the show (due to reasons, which, I might mention some other time) but I got to see most of it. Some of it appeared as a bit of a shock to me, but this effect was temporary, as it was just a reaction out of something that I haven't been used to for a while. I haven't been to that School in a year, so it took me a while to get used to Live Art again... but only for a little while. After viewing all the pieces from the Media Art and Performance department, I went to view the Sculptures which were mighty impressive. (Click on the image below to see some photos I took during the show)

CSAD Degree Show 2009

I experienced mixed feelings the moment I stepped into the building. The first was of nostalgia... The building seemed much smaller than it used to be, though, it really hasn't changed. Maybe 'growing' in terms of my academic experience has affected this. I was expecting to see all my old friends, but of course, was confronted with the disappointment and reality of not all of them being present. And when I spoke to one of my former tutors, he said he thought I had to go back and pay off my debt to the government (they pay me to study here)... Well, I had to, but they have given me permission to continue my studies now and pay it off later. This made me feel a little uncomfortable - maybe he didn't want me there. But never mind, I suppose those feelings are normal when you haven't been in the game for a while.

This reminds me of something I often think about when I'm told that I have to go 'home' sooner or later. Being here in the UK may feel more like home to me, as I've been living here since reaching my adulthood, but this will only make it more difficult to adjust to living in Brunei again. I will most likely have to give up my freedom of being wherever I want to be whenever I like, most of my cousins will be married and have no time to hang out with me anymore, my friends will be busy with their careers, and whatever result I will get from this course may affect how my relatives will view me as a woman, a daughter and a person... I will most probably be told how good a daughter-in-law I will make, what I should be doing as a Bruneian female, what I am entitled to as a working woman in Brunei... all these things that I don't want to hear will be my burden when I go back home... 'Home'...

Unless I wipe out my very existence... just until they forget I ever existed.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like for my family and friends if I had never been born.

Obviously I didn't die after using that epilator that I mentioned. The overall verdict? It hurts like hell. But the overall results are pretty good. If you're not a fan of excrutiatingly painful waxing, but love to have silky smooth legs, then epilation is probably a good option. However, if you're not exactly the masochist who enjoys getting their hair tweezed out one by one, then maybe you should stick to waxing which strikes a huge pile of agony, but only for a few seconds. But I think I'll start to epilate from now on... I like the idea of having having stubble-free legs for longer.

However, the reason why I chose the title of this post has little to do with my strange choice of hair removal. I have been thinking about the past... more often that usual and I think it has something to do with what my mother said during our last conversation two weeks ago. She has given me permission and encouraged me to get married, here in the UK. Without me even asking.

That was very unlike her. She used to be the kind of person who wouldn't even let me think about marriage before completing my studies. The type of person who thinks education is, above all, the most important thing in the world and no man is allowed to come in between me and my studies. This probably has something to do with her own experience, because she never got to pursue a degree after marrying my father. And she has always given me the same advice every year, finish your studies, get a job, save enough money and then you can have a wedding. So why does she want me to tie the knot now?

This could only mean one thing: someone has been talking to her about me behind my back, giving her the reason to tell me to get married before anything bad happens.

Well, suppose the above is true, I'm just surprised that anyone would care so much about my personal life, and yet they pay no attention at all to the real problems I have here. I have been having trouble with my finances since my first year in uni (because when I started, I had no idea how to organise my money at all)... but I have never requested anyone to send me any money from home, not even from my mum. I have always, in one way or another, managed. I still passed my modules and I still paid my rent and my bills on time. The only debt I have now are my credit card loans, which I am absolutely sure will be cleared by September.

I despise people who think they know what's best for me, when it's only going to get in the way between me and my goals in life. Just because I am a young woman who's only just come out into the real world, it doesn't mean that I am not capable of taking care of myself. And say I did want to get married this year, how on earth would I be able to afford it? A simple declaration isn't enough. If I'm going to marry my boyfriend, I want it to be a big wedding... with a camel ride. I know I've mentioned having simple nikahs before to my exes, but Jay is the best... so he will have the best. Other people can't tell me what I should or shouldn't have on my wedding day... unless they don't want me to be happy.

Sometimes I wonder when people would stop meddling with my life. What difference does it make if my choice of study courses, my fashion sense, my lovelife, my social life and my aspirations have no parallel to theirs? Wouldn't it be more annoying if I were to think and feel the same way they do all the time? I for one, prefer variety and choice. It's a part of living.

Moving and breathing isn't enough to prove that you're alive. It's only called living if you have a choice; because life is supposed to be unpredictable.

...when the majority of university students have a lot of things to do and (sometimes major) decisions to make: To pack things up, move to a new location, and to think about the next step to take in life.

I hate this time of year. I hate packing. I hate moving. Not that I hate the new place I'll be moving to. I just hate that I have to pick up boxes, organise my things, deciding which boxes those things should be placed in, saying goodbye to some of my stuff because they no longer have any importance to me (and pondering why I decided to keep them in the first place) and carrying the boxes to the van or truck that is going to deliver my things to the new habitat.

It doesn't just stop there: There are lots of people to notify, for example, the bank, my sponsors, my uni, etc. Sometimes I wish I had my own personal assistant who can remind me to do these things, or do these things for me themselves. But I guess I can only dream of having a PA at this point.

My room is a frickin' mess. I've just realised that my current room is very small. Now that I have most of my things taken out of their hiding places drawers, my comfy little sanctuary has transformed into a claustrophobic alcove.

Oh well... it's only going to be another three days until I leave this space. I think I'll miss it, though; but not when it looks like this:

IMG_6656

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5.54am... Just fall to sleep already!
ARGHHH!

3.46am, still can't sleep.
I thought I might want to watch an old movie. This one made me want to just explode with laughter (I really don't want to wake anyone up at this hour):

Watching that clip, however did make me think about Giselle, the main character from the Enchanted (2007) movie.

Perhaps Disney was inspired by Thumbelina? Or maybe it was just coincidence... Never mind. I couldn't be bothered to research this issue any further.

Googled photo

1.49am, and I'm still unable to sleep. My sleeping pattern hasn't been very regular since my crazy project week which means stress which equals to worry... I wonder what I'm worrying about now... Let's draw up a list, shall we?

Here's what's in my mind at the moment:

1) Did I actually do OK for my research project?

I know the content was good... but I really should have done something about the number of words... I can't believe I wrote almost twice the recommended amount. But when I think about it, content is very important in research... I really wish that I could have had more time to summarise it all... I already had 5 extra days to finish it... I know it's too late for me to worry about it now, but I'm still frickin' worried...

I just hope I pass... I can't afford to flunk this one... I really can't... But if I do... Oh God no, I can't... I just shouldn't... Oh well, I'll book a tutorial with my lecturer in the week to see how I did... If I didn't do so well, maybe I can discuss with her what I could do to make it better.

2) My cousin is getting married in July

This will be another one of those weddings that I can't attend. Not that I'm worried that they'll mind me not going, because in all honesty I just can't go... I'm going to be taking part in setting up the International Ceramics Festival on the first week of July, plus, the wedding is all the way in Brunei, so it's not like I can afford to go anyway (July is peak season to travel to Brunei).

But that's not really the issue that worries me. What worries me is the number of people who are going to ask me when my wedding is going to be. I know I shouldn't care, but I know it's going to bother me anyway. It's going to bother me because it's going to remind me that I am no longer a child... I will be burdened by responsibilities... I can't just "wing it" like I used to. I have to think before I act. I know that I will be at loss for words. That if I say that I have no desire in getting married anytime soon, they will advertise me to their friends and a whole bunch of suitors will be waiting in line in front of my mother's house.

Okay, maybe that's a bit much. I know that won't happen... who wants to fight over a "fat" girl like me, huh?

But really, I do worry about worrying people. I don't want them to think that they have to find me a future husband because I am unable to find the (Bruneian) man for myself. I just don't. I don't want them to care whether I've found someone or not. I have, and he makes me happy, thank you very much. But that's all you need to know really. There is no need for you to ask me who he is, what he's going to do with his life, how he's going to support me in the future - I don't want to tell you anything like that because you don't have the right to know. You're not living my life and you're not the ones making my mistakes.

I know you mean well, but please... Just because you don't think that I am going to get hitched anytime soon, it doesn't mean that there is something wrong with me. I still have my friends... my siblings are still very young, so chances that they're going to get married in the next five years is quite unlikely... I've got my mom who doesn't want to get married again (at least that's what she told me)... and if they all decide to tie the knot before I do; I'll just get myself a cat!

Isn't it enough that I'm happy?

3) I wonder how my scholarship application is doing...

This worries me a great deal. Really. I need this. I do. I can't face the real world yet. I've had a taste of it (back in 2007) and I hated it. I need to be a stronger person. I need more time. No one wants to work with a weakling. Oh God please help me...

4) Should I make a music album?

Most of my friends think I've written two songs so far... Actually, I've written about twenty songs. They're not all good. In fact, I think most of them are pretty crappy... But then again they are the songs I wrote when I just learned how to compose, so that's probably something anyone could expect. There are only very few songs I am satisfied with, but I haven't got a proper recording of any of them because I'm not good at recording on the laptop and I can't afford to record them here.

I could always do a recording back home but I'm quite skeptical about getting them recorded in Brunei. Not that I don't think there are any good places for recording there; actually I know quite a few which are good... but I'm just worried about the whole piracy issue as well as reputation of the song. I'm not exactly a popular person where I'm from, but I know my songs are good and I don't want people to use their opinion of me against my songs...
Plus, I don't mind so much distributing my songs to people, but it would suck big time if I wrote the song, but someone else claims that it is theirs.

Maybe I'm just being paranoid.

5) I have chicken legs.

I seriously need to go to the gym soon. I wore my skirt today and when I sat down on the beach I saw the big layer of fat on my legs. How the heck did that get there? Okay, I'll be busying myself with packing later... maybe that'll help me work up a sweat. Summer time... gym membership with Jay... Need to remember that.

Hmm... cool. I managed to think of solutions to some of my problems just as soon as I typed them up... I'm still not that sleepy though... I've watched the latest One Piece anime episode (just released yesterday), stumbled a number of websites, spent hours on facebook, checked my email a gazillion times, and watched hundreds of videos!

I don't want to torture you with more rants, though, I know that enough is enough sometimes. Sorry... Here's a video to cheer you up with: