Missing in action
In case you haven't noticed, I have temporarily shut down my Facebook account. Sometimes, I feel guilty about rejecting potential friends; but I feel guiltier that I have this temptation to delete those whom I rarely ever converse with. I'm not a fan of people who want to add me just because they want something from me. Plus, the possibility that my aunts, uncles and former students could be stalking me isn't something I'd like to ponder about all the time.
Moreover, the great Facebook account has also succeeded tremendously in distracting me from what I should be doing: my dissertation. So I decided that I shouldn't burden myself any longer, and just close my account for the time being. Besides, if people really did need to reach me, they could always email me, and if they really do care about what's going on in my life, they could always read this blog.
I realised that I haven't put up a post on the 2009 CSAD Summer Exhibition in Cardiff, which I attended about eleven days ago. The show was pretty good, really... except, I haven't kept up with their work for the past academic year so I feel that I am in no position to provide an extensive critique over the pieces that were presented. I missed the first half hour of the show (due to reasons, which, I might mention some other time) but I got to see most of it. Some of it appeared as a bit of a shock to me, but this effect was temporary, as it was just a reaction out of something that I haven't been used to for a while. I haven't been to that School in a year, so it took me a while to get used to Live Art again... but only for a little while. After viewing all the pieces from the Media Art and Performance department, I went to view the Sculptures which were mighty impressive. (Click on the image below to see some photos I took during the show)
I experienced mixed feelings the moment I stepped into the building. The first was of nostalgia... The building seemed much smaller than it used to be, though, it really hasn't changed. Maybe 'growing' in terms of my academic experience has affected this. I was expecting to see all my old friends, but of course, was confronted with the disappointment and reality of not all of them being present. And when I spoke to one of my former tutors, he said he thought I had to go back and pay off my debt to the government (they pay me to study here)... Well, I had to, but they have given me permission to continue my studies now and pay it off later. This made me feel a little uncomfortable - maybe he didn't want me there. But never mind, I suppose those feelings are normal when you haven't been in the game for a while.
This reminds me of something I often think about when I'm told that I have to go 'home' sooner or later. Being here in the UK may feel more like home to me, as I've been living here since reaching my adulthood, but this will only make it more difficult to adjust to living in Brunei again. I will most likely have to give up my freedom of being wherever I want to be whenever I like, most of my cousins will be married and have no time to hang out with me anymore, my friends will be busy with their careers, and whatever result I will get from this course may affect how my relatives will view me as a woman, a daughter and a person... I will most probably be told how good a daughter-in-law I will make, what I should be doing as a Bruneian female, what I am entitled to as a working woman in Brunei... all these things that I don't want to hear will be my burden when I go back home... 'Home'...
Unless I wipe out my very existence... just until they forget I ever existed.
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like for my family and friends if I had never been born.
